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Hiss Scratch Piss and Beware!
Thursday, April 08, 2004
  As if housecats aren't big enough. This serval cat, worth precise 6500 dollars more than the average feline is a disgrace to our egoes. See that picture? That cat looks awfully dumb to be smiling. He looks like a nightmare version of Harvey. And the darn kitty is 50 pounds! You can't cuddle him without a chance of having a stroke (if you're an average human).

We felines go with you humans way back. How come we aren't your best friend unlike your dogs. Hiss!

Don't lose hope! We aren't that cold. Once you offer us food and shelter, we never let go. But if you conspire in beating us, we will have to declaw, neuter, and scratch you to death one of these days. Home is still home.


 
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  Meows make all the difference!

How would you like to live in a place with 50 other humans with nearly half of them pregnant? I wouldn't, with fifty other cats. Especially with filth. When you hear the golden rule, do not only apply it to other humans, do it for all of G-D's creatures, please.

You have some humans who still dine on felines and the day will come when we order you a la carte off the menu.
And the day shall come when we cats run in to save our owners.
A turkey crashes through a window, and of course the first scapegoat to enter the man's mind is of course, the cat. Well maybe one of these days, I shall send one of my own to crash through that window to pay that ignorant man a visit.
When cats become mascots, they may also be named 'Pippi, the one-eyed cat'.
 
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  Animal lovers pack hearing over proposed pet food tax. Humans are now forced to pay extra money for our food to decrease our over population. But on the other hand, it inconveniences the humans financially. As long as I am fed, I could care less. But if this reduces the amount of food, I am worried. It pains me to hear of kittens being destroyed just so I could comfortably eat more my share of food. The more I eat, the more kittens are destroyed. The less I eat, the more births are prevented. I rather lose a few pounds and not think about humans killing cats.
 
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Wednesday, April 07, 2004
  Who said we cats don't like travel? As long as we're ignorant about it, we don't care. Morag, the Scottish kitten didn't mind until she was taken in by humans. She looks frankly miserable in that photograph. Maybe she was miserable. I have to sniff her to find out.
I shall take a strike against humans today. Whoever scratches my path shall be pissed, spat, and hissed upon. So don't be unlucky! Stay away! The reason? Because some evil humans have set one of our own on fire!
Additional scratches for blowing a dart into a cat's eye. I shall track that person down and when he's asleep, scratch his face off.
If only more of us could talk. I can only type. One of us is put under surgery to remove a piece of glass from his neck.

Was he trying to catch a rodent? Was there some remnant of a tasty treat there? Only the cat knows and he's not talking.

Williams speculates the cat was after a rat and simply got caught. If the jar was indeed intact, she further assumes the cat banged it against something, breaking it in an attempt to free himself.

He was only partially successful, though. For several months, the ring of the jar and a jagged portion of the jar remained around the cat's neck, forcing him to hold his head at an upward angle.

It also isn't known why he finally went into the trap, but it did happen. Johnson found him a few hours later and took him to a local veterinary clinic, where he was anesthetized and freed from his misery.

Old Yellow also was neutered during the experience.


Old Yellow. What a degrading name. I shall call my owner Fat Red from now on. Oh if only I could talk.

Maybe the Chinese are one of the few who care for us. I wouldn't scratch him a bit.

 
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  Who said Cats don't make good coffee? You better check your litterbox because you're in for a treat!

Another one's trash is another's treasure. Think twice before you pitch another feline. Meow!
Charley Reese is a cat lover. What a gal! She said she would rather catch 1000 feral felines than bring democracy to foolish Dhimmi humans. If I were a human, I'd be mighty offended. But as a cat, I'm purring with pleasure.
Humans are so sumptious and fascinating to watch we cats have sent our cousins, the cougars to move in and spy on you. We're tired of having to live in the wild. Why not be annoying roomates and occasionally enjoy a hearty meal. It is easy. We see you more than you see us.
And then for you cat fanciers, there is a cat show coming to town. Are you sure we enjoy it? Being dolled up in dolly clothes? How cute! you may squeal. Well those cats deserve it in a way. They're not smart like me to run away when they see a pudgy childless cat fancier armed with wet cat food and catnip. Bah!
Purrr! Adopt one of us!
 
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  No wonder you humans are foolish!

As for the cat? He finished off the mice of Schilda and went on his way, wondering at the foolishness of human beings.

Its cute how humans are so unoriginal they decide to be amazed at our intellect. Why not have us cats enjoy a television programme featuring humans? I rather enjoy the daily amusements of human life. It would be greater if it were broadcast--sounds familiar--television. Of course, I am forced to howl outside while my owner has her fatty dinner in front of the telly. If only we had more privileges...
Are we now being forced to have licenses? Really now. How about all those hookers on the street--shouldn't they be forced to have breeding licenses? If only I had more power, I would stage a protest!
What a hypocrite I am--for I am fixed--I have just noticed yesterday during my ritual bath.
And for those loose enough to have more than one litter...
Sibling rivalry is amusing Ms. Linda Goldston?. Is it amusing when you never see your brother or sister again because your owner sells them for a d**m 1000$? Cats have feelings too, you know.
And this columnist suggests our owners ignore us when we are cold outside and hungry. At least we train our dear owner to get off their asses each morning for work! God, they're ungrateful.

"Ignoring it would be the best thing," agrees Katherine Houpt, head of the animal behavior

'Animal Behaviour Clinic'? As if our lifestyles are a scientific study or disease? Just like they have AIDs clinics. When we cats mature evolution-wise, shall we study your behaviour, dear humans?
Shall I claw you and put you under my microscope and gawk at the way you walk or eat?
I've got one word: MEOW!



 
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Tuesday, April 06, 2004
  I am a slim nine pounds. There are many fatties among us. Its our shame because our damn owners think we're their 'cutie pies' and since they rescued us when we were mere kittens, they think us eternally starving. Well think again. Although I may howl my owner's eardrums out, I am normally hungry, not abnormally hungry.

A German cat weighing six times the normal weight is so fat that it cannot take more than four steps without getting exhausted.


Those silly Germans. And they also have a human cannibal who over six months still cannot get enough meat. Thankfully they did not regress to eating cats like they used to eat cats. Meow!
Well, we cats have survived for a long time. When you foolish humans killed us and our children in the black plague because of those damn rats, you were wrong. And you have your thugs shoot us up and yet we still survive. One word: We told you so. 
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Monday, April 05, 2004
  I scratched her gently, I howled, and I went to the bathroom. She still did not get up. She stayed up late the previous night at a rally for her holy saviour Kerry. I don't understand why he matters more than I. Haven't I always been there for her? When she breaks up with boyfriends, I'm the one to cuddle her. When she cries, I dry her tears with my soft fur. All I ask is to be fed, and accomodated. But no. I'm lucky if I do eat. She hates the smell of tuna. Yech, I prefer that special chicken and rice can she feeds me twice a week. The tuna is cheaper for a reason--to starve us cats.

I'm five years old. My rat days are nearly over so I still need food. When she has parties, I try my very best not to urinate on her family furniture. Its so noisy and the lawns are all full, and due to the soft relieving cloth, I can't help it. Her guests take me by the tail and swing me across the fence. Its six hours until I forgive her and return home. My stench will be there for weeks to come, but she deserves it.  
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What is the Political arguments of a cat? Do they like it when they share a bathroom with a smelly human being? How do you know they don't understand your language? What if they do? Kotoka lets you on beyond the howling hisses of the night of 'Meow'.

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