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Hiss Scratch Piss and Beware!
Friday, April 16, 2004
  One reason why cats are superior than you humans.
Porn, Porn, Porn. If you were a cat you wouldn't need that nonsense. Forget a condom one day, and die the other. One reason why we have nine lives.
I couldn't resist, I had to tell my owner's fellow humans why they're inferior.

My owner is about to vomit as she reads this, but this is one reason why we cats are superior than humans: we don't have to worry about p--n and whatnot. We only get in heat once or twice a year, do the pooky, and thats it. Cats don't masturbate, think about sex, or anything. Why don't humans give up their entertainment for the easy life--watching birds and dreaming of the ol' days? Its Man's own fault that he has to film intricate sexual scenes to please some middleaged impotent ol' f***s while he gains weight, infects his fellow man and makes a mess of it all. Who made you dastardly humans this way? Your G-D? Really, you guys. If I were a human, I'd pray to die soon and reincarnate into a cat. Live the easy life!


 
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Monday, April 12, 2004
  Hello dear readers.

This is Guest-cat "Hassie." I'll be contributing from my home, locked up inside a no-cat community of old, crankety people in southern Florida. I'm also known as Hass Hess Hassifer, also known as Hassenfeffer, to my humans. Their daughter calls me A Big Orange Belvedere of a Cat (I think it has some reference to one of the many television shows she has thoroughly rotted her brain upon) and Hasselblaad. I don't like any of these names much, to be honest. I prefer the name that got me into this world and that will surely carry me out, the name no human has the vocal capacities to speak. But Hassie will suffice.

I don't like any of their names either. "Cinna Bunny Q Tips"? Stoners should not be allowed to "have" cats. Dogs, perhaps. Pomeranians, definitely.

And the all caps submission of the name "GUNNAR"? Makes me think of some 40-year-old double-wide living trailer trash lady shouting, in that monotone voice kindergarteners use for school plays when they are both trying to remember their lines so hard that they have little energy left over for tone, and trying to shout over the sound of the out-of-tune upright Yamaha piano. Ah, GUNNAR: "THOUGHT THIS CAN COULD SURLY STICK UP FOR HIMSELF WITH A NAME LIKE THAT." Uh, I mean CAT! Not CAN! OOPS!

I'm going to go eat a bookmark and rest my weary paws from patting upon these dreadfully widgy little keys.

~Hassie, the Orange Wonder of Deerfield Beach, Florida 
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Sunday, April 11, 2004
  That old fat cat is now going on a hunger strike. Being unable to clean himself because of his senile owner's tendency to spoil him is unfair. Hope he becomes slim like me.
Is there really such thing as a 'people cat'? Well Dino is one of them. I wouldn't put my arms around you and put my head on your shoulder voluntarily in a million years! I would rather sleep and eat, sleep and eat...

Only groomers get cat scrath fever. You pay 50$ for your vaccination against it. Maybe we ought to grow our claws back just for you.

Letters from a dog to his owner about the odiousness of cats.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.


Pampered Cat seeks new owner to pamper him. His 75 pound owner died recently leaving him and fourteen other cats behind. The owner never married or had kids. We were her babies. Damn. I wish I have that kind of life; roast chicken, having teeth polished, indoor life. But I live the real gritty life of a cat.

 
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What is the Political arguments of a cat? Do they like it when they share a bathroom with a smelly human being? How do you know they don't understand your language? What if they do? Kotoka lets you on beyond the howling hisses of the night of 'Meow'.

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